happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
