mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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