you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
