I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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