Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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