Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
