Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
