your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
