While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
