I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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