wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I am spending my child support on dildos
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
