her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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