I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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