grandma shit on top of the toilet
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
