I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
