I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
