I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
