Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
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