I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
