She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
