Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
