just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
