I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
We just shotgunned beers for America
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
