Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
