I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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