Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
All the doctor said was why
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
