May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
