I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
