my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Randomize
