wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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