I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
