Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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