Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Houston, we have a squirter
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
