Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
