twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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