i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
