I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
