He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Randomize