I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
