plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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