I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Randomize
