I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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