There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm way too hungover for life right now
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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