i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
