I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize