I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
