Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
