do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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