I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
