im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
