My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Pants are for mortals
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
