cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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