Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
