Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
