i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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