I accidentally had phone sex last night
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize